UNC wins NCAA

Image by Getty Images via Daylife

[Gillnet Wire News, March 30, 2009]

President Barack Obama today ordered the University of North Carolina to win the NCAA men's basketball tournament. "The state of North Carolina has received over $6 billion of federal stimulus funds. Part of that money will go to the University of North Carolina. I think it is in the best interest of the State of North Carolina, UNC and my March Madness bracket for UNC to win the tournament."

The President, who publicly picked UNC to win the tournament on March 19, went on to say that "...as President, it is important that I am always right. Forcing UNC to win the tournament will ensure that."

Vice President Joe Biden said "The US taxpayers have been very generous to North Carolina. Now it is time for North Carolina to repay the favor. It is UNC's patriotic duty to win the tournament and fill the President's bracket."

UNC secured a stake in the final four with a 84 to 70 win over LSU onSaturday. UNC head coach Roy Williams said "We are pleased to have made it this far. Now, with the help of the President, it looks like we will be the NCAA champions."

To ensure a UNC victory in the tournament, President Obama has threatened the other final four seeds, Michigan State, Villanova and Connecticut, with 90% tax rates and forcing star players to return their Mercedes' purchased with Alumni funds. "These cars are esentially bonuses paid during a time of economic crisis by alumni of universities in states collecting billions in federal money. It is unacceptable for these bonuses to be paid without a taxpayer benefit. Since millions of people do everything I say, countless people have placed large wagers on their March Madness brackets, following my lead in selecting North Carolina to win. Forcing UNC to win will be of huge benefit to these working families." said the President.

In a related story, the House today passed a bill renaming "March Madness" to the more accurate and politically correct "March/April Mental Illness". Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi said "It is insensitive to people with mental illness to use the word "madness" in such a high profile event. It also makes no sense to call something "March Madness" when part of it occurs in April. In this era of accountability and integrity, government needs to ensure that tournaments are named appropriately, and that the correct team wins."